Are the "Terrible Two's" Really so Terrible?

Well, that depends on a few things.

It seems even before you have kids, future parents are warned about the "horrors" of toddlerhood. Expectant parents are met with the "just wait until... (the terrible twos/threenager stage/etc.)" by family members, friends, and random people you encounter day-to-day.

I'm not saying that children don't exhibit different behaviors as they are transitioning from babyhood to toddler land. Of course they do! Developmentally speaking, this is what should be happening. This is not an article that will be filled with strategies on how to avoid or reduce "unwanted" behaviors. Check my other resources for practical strategies.

Understanding how confirmation bias plays out on a daily basis is paramount to how we view, and therefore interact, with our kids. Your brain looks for evidence for the thoughts you "feed" it. Note that these thoughts about your kids are simply thoughts. Not facts. Take this example:

Thought: "My son is out of control."

The brain looks for evidence to "prove" this thought. So when your child has a hard time stopping what they're playing with to get dressed and runs from you, the brain uses this as evidence that they are, "so out of control" and (most likely) your next thought is, "What am I doing wrong here?"

We can change the information we "feed" our brain by simply changing the thought. This is called cognitive re-framing. Instead of, "My son is so out of control" the thought may be, "My son is learning how to transition from one fun activity to something not-so-fun and it will take a lot of practice before he can do it without running away screaming." or simply "My son is learning a new skill."

Is it always easy to just think a new thought? No. But, understanding that our brains work to match our thoughts with our external circumstances because it is safe and predictable is crucial to re-framing our thoughts.

Further, if we understand that these new behaviors we're seeing are developmentally appropriate, our perspective shifts. We have a different level of understanding and in turn, show up more effectively with our kids. Our mindset around the "terrible twos" sets the tone not only for us as parents, but also for our toddlers. The way we think about our toddlers has a direct impact on how we interact with them.

Behavior influences behavior. You, as the parent, are in control of your own responses and reactions. That's it. You cannot control another individual's behavior, including your child's. Can you influence the way another individual (i.e your child) responds and reacts by taking into account environmental factors, and ensuring your child has the foundation to succeed in different settings? Yes! You have so much power to influence positive behaviors in your kids. The power lies in thinking proactively and being prepared to respond to your child in ways that meet them where they are in that moment, not where we think they should be.

So, back to the original question: Are the terrible two's really so terrible?

Well, that depends on the thoughts that you're feeding your brain.